Business Dinner Success – Reduce Anxiety and Don’t Choke

Business dinners are a real source of anxiety for some. There’s a lot to think about…if you think about it. There is the seating. Who sits where? The drinks. The food itself. The social conversation. The business topics. There’s also the clothing to consider. Of course, the etiquette. And more. Some people just cruise in without a care in the world and gobble up. Their charisma is sweeter than any dessert served. If that is you, don’t worry about reading on (consider last week’s blog on humility). That’s not me. I can be sort of socially awkward at times. In fact, the other night at a dinner, a friend of mine asked, “So, Josh, how are you doing?” My answer: “Living the dream.” Living the dream?! He remarked, “You didn’t really want to say that, did you?” Ha! No, I didn’t. If anxiety or social awkwardness is something of a struggle for you as it can be for me, read on because business dinners are valuable.

Every year, millions of dollars are spent at business dinners. In fact, the spending is actually in the billions with more than 10 – 15% of business expense budgets ate up at restaurants. Most leaders in business sit through THOUSANDS in their career. People are eager to get out of the traditional conference rooms, office spaces, and formalities to get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level. Business dinners are a great tool for that connection. And if we want a deal to go through, confirmation of potential hire, or to secure a new customer, connection is key! Bottom line, business dinners are a fact of life. So what things can you do to mitigate anxiety, avoid the embarrassing moments and just focus on the desired outcome(s)? That’s the goal of this post. To share some suggestions that help us focus on the business outcomes and relationship building from the dinner and not so much all the other elements around business dinners. 

Before I get into the suggestions, I have to tell you a quick story. At one business dinner, a foodie who is a huge fan of various sauces, decided to take a huge whiff (or maybe a sip) of a small cup of spicy sauce. I’d actually seen him do it before. The first time, he sounded like an elephant as he was trying to hold it all in his mouth. Luckily, he didn’t have food in his mouth when he did it. The second time, that wasn’t the case. He had some French Fries and part of his dinner in his mouth when he did it. That spicy smell got right up into his sinuses, the pressure mounted, and then BOOM. He blew chunks of the food in his mouth clear across the table and all over the lady sitting directly across from him. Not only that, this was right after restaurants opened back up after COVID-19 so there were plexiglass barriers between tables. The remaining food that didn’t go on the lady across from him ended up hitting and then sliding down the plexiglass for the table next to us to enjoy. Needless to say, we don’t want that happening to you! 

Here are my 15 suggestions for you to consider.

1. Scope out the menu ahead of time. Simple to do. One less thing to think about once the dinner meeting starts. Even if you want to wait and see what people are ordering, you can have a pretty good idea of your top couple choices. 
2. Don’t be the last one there. First is ok, you get your choice of chair. Show up last and you have no control over where you sit or who you are sitting next to. I tend to like showing up on time, just not first if possible, and definitely not last.
3. Understand etiquette. Most people know the basic stuff – forks, knives, don’t blow your nose at the table. One thing I see as a common etiquette question is when to eat. If the eatery is up to par, most of the food will come out at nearly the same time. In those cases, best to just hold off picking up your fork until everyone is served – especially the ladies (and let the ladies order first). Once everyone is served, usually someone acknowledges it, then eat on. There are exceptions. Sometimes, the restaurant is off on its timing and a person or two doesn’t get their food when everyone else does. In those cases, it’s still acceptable to eat. No one likes cold food. It’s good for the table to try to get a go-ahead from those waiting so not to be rude. 
4. Let people order for themselves. This seems common sense. What’s crazy is that this issues is far more prevalent than you’d think. There always seems to be one socially awkward person in the group that just starts calling out the orders for the table. The justification is that “it’s best when someone just makes a decision.” Yeah, ok. Got it. They still look like someone completely unaware of how controlling they are. 
5. Try to keep pace. Military people eat fast. A business dinner is a far cry from basic training, so if you’re like me, slow it down. Finishing up and cleaning your plate before everyone is done is very noticeable. Conversely, eating super slow also brings unwanted attention as people sit there and wait for that person to finally finish. Just keep pace. Avoid getting nervous and eating too fast or too slow. Just enjoy it. 
6. Say please and thank you! 
7. Do NOT be rude to the wait staff and servers. This type of behavior is off putting. Good rule of thumb is to simply be kind.
8. Study up. Knowing who the other guests are and doing some upfront prep work is helpful. I recommend taking a look at their bio and learn where they grew up, education, some of their work history, and anything else relevant. Often, there is something in their background that you have in common with and is a great conversation starter. Keep in mind, sometimes, there isn’t. I once went to a dinner in Dubai with a Secretary of Defense of a nation. The purpose of the dinner was for him and I to meet. I literally had no clue where to start. In that case, I researched their culture, demographics of the country, and planned to ask a bunch of questions. Ultimately, he pretty much ended up feeding me all night because the food choices were from his country. Worked out well. He seemed to take pity on me. Studying up ahead of time helps you make it about them by asking relevant questions, engaging in their stories, and really, getting to know them better.
9. Control your alcohol. Listen, business dinners are not the spot to tie one off. Sip. Don’t guzzle. Drink slow. Limit yourself. For people that drink, there are other times to let loose. Most business dinners aren’t it. Far too often there is an a person in the group that just goes too far. They just can’t control themselves and are unable to see it. They don’t even know that the entire table feels awkward and knows what is happening. Discipline is a must. If you know you struggle with drinking, or if a drink is like a potato chip…just don’t drink at the dinner – and definitely not before. It’s better to be a non-drinker, or just look like one, than come out looking like “that person” then regretting it later. Our reputation matters and we should take care of it.
10. Feel free to order dessert. When I’m at a dinner, about 85% of the time, most of the table pretends they don’t want dessert. Truth is, about 85% of the table actually wants it. What normally happens is everyone says no until one says yes. Feel free to break the seal. It’s low risk and most of the table might be relieved you did. 
11. Dress appropriately. Let’s not wear sweat pants to a Brazilian Steakhouse (yes, I’ve seen it happen). Nor a suit to a BBQ Pit. When you’re looking at the menu, take note of the restaurant to get a good idea of dress code. And also, know the guest list and purpose of the meeting when deciding what to wear. Never hurts to ask others what they are wearing.
12. Skip working out right before dinner. Just work out in the morning that day and control your calories if you know you’re going out that night. The timing is key. I strongly suggest not working out right before the dinner. Why? You’ll sweat. And once you start to sweat, you’ll think about it and sweat some more. Humid environments make it even worse. 
13. Have a good plan for who pays. Typically, if the other party invites you to dinner, they will likely offer to pay and it’s ok to allow them to. If your group is offering the invite, then you should be prepared to pay even if they offer. Personally, I rarely go to a dinner and not at least offer, even if I was invited. I figure it’s better to get them to tell me no and offer than just assume. 
14. Expensive food. If you are going to make the invite and pay, you’ll need to be ok paying for the most expensive item on the menu. If you aren’t, then pick a different place. Don’t invite people to a specific restaurant and then be critical of them, privately or publicly, for ordering a $65 steak. If you didn’t want them ordering an expensive steak, go to a Mexican restaurant. Conversely, if you’ve been invited out, it’s likely acceptable to order whatever is on the menu. Although, for me, I’m pretty reasonable and pay attention to the other orders. 
15. Check your teeth. Not kidding. There’s this person that I used to have to dine with occasionally, and she ALWAYS ended up with a nice big piece of lettuce stuck in her tooth. I don’t know what it is about things in teeth. It can be dark in the restaurant and, for some reason, that lettuce is shining like a star. No one wants to say anything. Eyes start darting down. People look at each other silently wondering if anyone else sees it – and then quickly realize that everyone does. We should create a universal hand signal for this…quick and quiet. Until then, check your zipper and your teeth.

That’s it. Nothing too deep about these 15 suggestions. Business dinners are common place. And some people are pretty anxious about them. Like anything, anxiety can be mitigated and over time, you’ll learn to enjoy these moments and the people you meet a lot more. These 15 suggestions are easy to do and help you focus on the desired or necessary outcomes of the meeting. 

Bon appétit.