Approx. 9 min Read

One of my friends in Alaska is a fantastic attorney and even better person. He runs all sorts of merger/acquisitions deals, provides support for re-structures, joint ventures, and more. Part of his success is his unique ability to connect with his clients and the overall concept of the objective. When people work with him, there is often an immediate sense of trust. Trust that he is competent. Trust that he is honest. And trust that he understands the business objectives as well as the people side. Over the years, I’ve been fortunate to get to know him on a personal level. Over lunches and coffee, I discovered a part of his uniqueness…empathy. He and his wife often take their kids on global tours to experience cultures beyond the borders of the United States. They discover new ways of life, new foods, new mindsets. As a family unit, they discover humanity on a deeper, more broad level, and I believe leads to a greater sense of empathy in his daily life. I feel fortunate to know him and lucky to call him a friend.

Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

One day, we were discussing the hot topic of the day, immigration law and reform. We’ve had tons of conversations, but this one stuck with me. He joined his church on a mission trip to build houses in Mexico for those in need. If you’ve ever been to Southern California, you know that Tijuana, Mexico sits right there on the border. In that area, there is a stark contrast between the US side and the Mexican side. On the northern side of the border, you can see the beautiful homes of Southern California. On the other side, the homes are less beautiful, and the area overall is far more economically depressed. The vantage point from the roofs was striking. Immediately around the homes were less than put together and in fact, run-down. Across the border, squint a little and you could see the skyline across the bay, the beautiful homes…less than 30 miles, yet a life so far away.

As they were sitting on the roof taking in this contrast one of them said, “You know, I can see it.” This person put himself in the shoes of a dad in this part of Mexico and understood why this issue was so complex. I love my kiddos. They are amazing and I want them to have every opportunity possible to them. Why should we expect the father in Tijuana to be any different? This isn’t meant to be political. I still believe in the practicality of immigration law for our economic and national security. And we should be accountable for those laws. Conversely, I do think we are too quick to vilify the dad who simply wants the best for his family. If I were in his shoes, would I not do the same? Until we are in those shoes, we have no idea. As Dale Carnegie says, “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”[1]

The subject and concept of empathy seems incredibly relevant for today, doesn’t it? I think most of us would be well served to deploy empathy in our daily routines and habits. Business, as I mentioned in a previous post, is a subset of society. The logic and practicality of that concept are that if we need more empathy as a generation of Americans, we likely need more empathy in business as well. Lack of empathy steals from leaders across all spectrums. The idea that empathy makes us weak and therefore to show empathy weakens our position is far too prevalent. There is also a notion that we can’t hold people accountable and be empathetic at the same time. That notion is wrong. Showing empathy is a great indicator of strength, security, humility, and leadership. And empathy is a lot more natural we realize.

There is a term called “homo empathias,” which means, “wired for empathy.” [2] Essentially, our brains are innately wired for empathy. Recently, studies have found that children as young as two or three, show a natural tendency of empathy towards other children. Not sure which kids were studied in full disclosure. At two or three, my kids would just as soon club their siblings with their toy than give it up. Researchers also discovered natural empathetic responses in primates – one interesting study showed that a primate starved itself because it refused to shock the other primate to get food – who comes up with this stuff? [3] We also learn that biologically there is a relation between empathy and oxytocin. If you read my post about storytelling (one of my favorite posts to date), I discuss the power of storytelling in business. Storytelling releases chemicals in our brains that connect us to the subjects of the story and can lead toward increased optimism and positivity in the workplace. Oxytocin can also lead towards empathy. My mind works best when it recognizes linkages, and I can see a practical linkage between storytelling, empathy, and organizational success.

Overall, the premise of the book, Empathy (Krznaric), is that we are naturally wired for empathy and that we can practice and develop habits of empathetic behavior. Doing so leads to social revolution. I don’t disagree with some of the foundations of the book. Empathy is natural, powerful, necessary, and far too often, lacking. If our society was more empathetic, we could change the world. I also agree that empathy is something to practice and work on.

I disagree with some underlying tones and agendas in the book. A perceived tone is that the west and our socio-economic structure (capitalism) is a forcing function of lack of empathy. I don’t think an economic system is the root cause. I’d argue that Stalin, Hitler, Mao, and others, all showed a greater lack of empathy than the United States – those regimes were most definitely not capitalist, and individualism was certainly not rewarded. The US is not without its faults and we’ve clearly shown a lack of empathy over the years. Our tendency to think our way of life works for all or is good for all certainly comes with some good and some bad. Like any subset of humanity, the US has done good and evil things. Humans have a capacity for both good and evil and we factor into all economic systems; therefore, the potential for good and evil exists.

We see this dichotomy in military and war. In the book On Combat (Grossman) the author discusses the distinction between good and evil and our capacity for each. What is a key separator between a warrior with honor and a wolf of a sociopath; both showing a capacity for violence? Empathy. “But what if you have a capacity for violence and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia and walk out unscathed.” [4] Some people leverage human capacity for violence for evil reasons. Others leverage human capacity for violence for good and empathic reasons, i.e. to protect the flock. Those who hold the bullies of the world accountable. Empathy can be one of the world’s strongest motivators. Empathy has little to do with weakness and a lot to do with emotional strength and balance.

Maintaining leadership balance is a constant challenge. Balancing accountability and empathy is a real struggle in business or leadership in general. We can get this wrong very easily. I worked in an organization that, for a little bit, celebrated being a jerk all in the name of accountability. Truly, I had no one to blame for this because I led that organization. For a time, we allowed, under my leadership, an attitude that showing understanding, kindness, and empathy was “soft.” The issue with that kind of atmosphere is it becomes a self-licking ice cream cone. People in the organization quickly recognize the types of behaviors that get rewarded and celebrated. This culture harmed the work environment. I’m glad to say that has been addressed!

Conversely, allowing empathy to turn to pity where standards are not kept can similarly have negative organizational impacts. For example, if a team member is not performing up to standards, avoiding accountability and corrective action, leadership must address this behavior. The same holds for team members who don’t keep the values and ethics of the organization. Failure to act in the name of empathy is not good for the organization. Nor is the lack of action consistent with your fiduciary responsibility. Whether for constant performance issues or a lack in alignment with values, failing to either restore or separate those employees hurts the rest of the team. A leader can be empathic to that team member at the same time as holding them accountable. Being an enabler is not being empathetic. Leadership is often an art, is it not?

If we get the empathetic balance right in our organizations, healthy empathy can lead to better profits, culture, and productivity[5]. Even our customer relationships improve as we deploy empathy throughout our organization. None of this is easy. We are constantly cycling between data and analytics, and empathy. “The key to employing empathy within a relationship (or organization) is to understand the value system of the other person, which is inevitably different from yours.”[6] This is challenging, especially today it seems. We are so busy making sure everyone hears our views, we fail to listen and understand the other person. This takes practice. For example, don’t drink water for a day to understand what those in other countries feel every day. Don’t eat for a day for the same reason. Participate in the daily activities of someone on your team. Empathy is both innate and learned so practice up! 

Empathy is stepping into another’s shoes and at least understanding what they are feeling or doing. Empathy isn’t showing pity. It’s not even taking an action to change the situation. Empathy may lead to action. But start with understanding first, so we know what action(s) to take later.

In the book Great Teams 16 Things, by Don Yeager, the author quotes Bill McDermott, CEO of SAP SE. Mr. McDermott goes all in and says, “Empathy is the greatest skill a leader needs to have.”[7]  Empathy is next-level leadership and a higher level of humanity. When you finish reading this post, I encourage you to scroll through social media, or read the news for a few minutes and read it all from the perspective of empathy. What’s striking is how much we lack empathy today. Empathy has given way to those who stir the pot, create cynicism, and cause division. 

So where does reconciliation with empathy begin? I’d say in our homes for sure. But also, why not in our organizations that we lead? Could we be so bold as to embrace empathic leadership and present constant messages of understanding, grace, and humility? Change can start right where you sit. We know empathy can be a step to global social change because we’ve seen it before. We can see it again.

I’ll leave you with a thought from Tuesday’s with Morrie. ”In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want…Love is when you are as concerned about someone else’s situation as you are about your own.” “The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”[8]

Galatians 6:2 – Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. MSG

References

 [1] Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. 80th Anniversary ed., Running Press, an Imprint of Perseus Books LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc., 2017.

[2] Krznaric, Roman. Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It. Perigee, 2015, penguin.com.

Apple iBooks 

[3] Krznaric, Roman. Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It. Perigee, 2015, penguin.com.

Apple iBooks

[4] Grossman, Dave, and Loren W. Christensen. On Combat: the Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace. Warrior Science Publ., 2008.

[5] “Empathetic Leadership: A Skill or an Innate Trait.” WGU Blog, Western Governors University, 1 Nov. 2019, www.wgu.edu/blog/empathetic-leadership-skill-innate-trait1911.html#:~:text=Business%20leaders%20need%20to%20be,the%20group%20as%20a%20whole. No specific author cited.

[6] Greene, Robert. The Laws of Human Nature. Penguin Books, 2019.

[7] Yaeger, Don. Great Teams: 16 Things High-Performing Organizations Do Differently. W Publishing Group, an Imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2016.

[8] Hatcher, Jeffrey, and Mitch Albom. Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie. Dramatists Play Service, 2008.